I am terrified of sharing this blog. In fact, if you are reading the words on this page right now, take a moment and praise Jesus because He gave me 20 seconds of courage (name that movie) to click the ‘Publish’ button.
Because there really is no good way to ease into the subject, I’m just going to throw it out there. I have never officially been on a date. I’ve never been in a relationship. I’ve never been kissed. Woah. I know….yes, I am 26 years old and no, I have never been kissed. It’s no lie. Trust me.
Why in the world am I sharing this information with you? Because it’s my story. And until somewhat recently, I didn’t realize how much this was affecting my life, my actions, how I saw myself, and how I allowed the Lord to love me (or not).
If you’ve heard me talk about my race at all, or if you have asked me about my snowflake tattoo, I’ve probably shared with you about how the theme of my Race was identity. Learning who I am in Christ, and Him speaking into my life, telling me who I am.
I’m unique. And for the first time, I started to see this as a beautiful thing.
I was walking in so many lies, drowning in comparison thoughts, wondering why I wasn’t more like the girl that was making the whole room laugh, who everyone seemed to like and want to be around.
It wasn’t that I desperately wanted to be in a relationship by any means, but I did want to be noticed. And when I wasn’t, I hid in the back corner. Not technically, but that’s what happened most of my life. I allowed myself to fade into the background. I was always just kind of there.
I don’t tell you any of this to get your sympathy. I don’t tell you this for you to take it upon yourself to try and set me up with your friend. I don’t tell you this because I felt like it might be fun.
I’m telling you this, because in my eyes, I wasn’t worthy. I wasn’t worth choosing. I wasn’t wanted. I wasn’t pretty enough. Smart enough. Funny enough. Basically, to sum it up, I was determined that I wasn’t enough. I was convinced that I was doing something wrong. And do you know what is at the root of all these lies? The lie that I’m not enough?
The fact that a guy has never pursued me.
And that is one of the silliest, biggest, fattest lies that anyone can ever believe.
I was finding my worth in guys – or rather the lack thereof. Because I was never pursued, never chosen. I believed that I wasn’t worth dating. I wasn’t worth pursuing.
It’s embarrassing to say out loud. It’s shameful to type in this blog. But it’s the cold hard truth. And it wasn’t until a morning in Laos, during worship with my team, when I finally took the time to hear God tell me this. Because deep down, I’ve known for a while. It wasn’t new news. But I didn’t want to face it. I didn’t want to own up to it. I didn’t want to admit it to anyone, even myself. That morning in Laos, I shared it with my team. It was hard to say out loud. But I did it, I spoke it and brought it into the light.
It was affecting the way I thought the Lord saw me. It left me with this idea in my head, that yes Jesus loved me, but He probably loves the person next to me more. I had a hard time receiving his love, believing that He really did love me as much as He says He does.
I know now that is not who I am. The Lord is faithful to always remind me of who I am. He tells me that I am chosen. I am worthy. I am known fully and seen completely. I am beautiful. I am treasured. And I am going to make a darn good wife one day. I’m not defined by my relationship status, how much money I have (or don’t have #missionaryprobs), my career, my education, or the car I drive.
Monday mornings are really cool at Adventures in Missions. All of Adventures staff comes together and we begin our week with worship. The presence of Jesus was so sweet on this particular Monday. It was real, it was tangible, and it felt like it was just me and him in the room.
I asked Jesus to sing me a song that day. I was thinking of the verse in Zephaniah that says,
“The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.”
This isn’t a normal request I have, in fact, I think that was the first and only time I’ve ever prayed that prayer, “Jesus, I want you to sing to me.”
But He did just that. I found myself drowning in a chorus of words, that were saying “You were created for a love story.”
He was doing it. Jesus was singing to me, telling me, declaring over me, “You were created for a love story.” He said it, over and over. I stood there, swaying back and forth, hands out, completely overcome, completely surrendered, and completely loved.
We beat ourselves up. We change who we are to fit some kind of mold that we think is right and good and will get us what we want. We seek attention or we hide in the corner, because that’s just easier sometimes. We wonder why no one wants us. We stay in the terrible/unhealthy/abusive relationship because we don’t know what else we are supposed to do. We fall for the first guy who gives us any kind of attention, because it makes us feel noticed.
Who I am is a daughter of the King who is completely, outrageously, irrevocably loved by my Father. And that is the greatest love story I could ever hope for.
Do I long to be married? Absolutely. Is it hard waiting, waiting, and waiting some more? I’m not going to lie, a lot of times, yes. But I wouldn’t trade where I am or what I am doing for anything. God really is the satisfier of my soul, with a love that runs deep and cannot be escaped. And I’m so thankful for that.
