my beloved.

One of these days I’m going to give you a detailed look into what our day to day life looks like here in Guatemala, I promise. But in the midst of learning about orphan care and spending time at the orphanage, CGA classes, spanish classes, and discipleship, the Lord has been speaking to me a lot about who I am, who He is, and I’ve been coming to the reality of how I actually see Him (which isn’t always a fun realization to come to, but a freeing one).

It’s a lot to work through and learn and process. It’s putting myself in a place of being exposed in order for him to do the pruning and trimming that needs to be done in order to bear the lasting fruit.

I’ve realized that there are many parts of my life that I have a very strong, death tight grip on, that the Lord is asking me to let go of. I still have walls over parts of my heart that I have taken on myself to guard and protect, because I haven’t fully trusted the Lord with it. (Ouch – that one was hard to hear.) There’s a lot of pride that is keeping me from experiencing deep intimacy with the Lord.

I’ve been seeking my worth in people and how they view me, as well as in what I do and performance. And I always end up disappointed and feeling unworthy when neither of these things give me what my heart is longing to hear and feel. It’s not a good or healthy place to be, being dependent on other people for what can only come from the Lord himself.

This is a quote from a book that I am currently reading called Abba’s Child,

“Kaci, I am here. I have been calling to you, but you haven’t been listening. Can you hear me, Kaci? I love you. I have always loved you. And I have been waiting for you to hear me say that to you. But you have been so busy trying to prove to yourself you are loved that you have not heard me.” 

(Just in case there was any confusion, my name was not in the book, I just simply substituted my name where it fit. ;))

The last line is what got me. “You have been so busy trying to prove to yourself you are loved that you have not heard me.”

I was frustrated to be in this place because I thought that I had already worked through all of this “identity” stuff. It seemed ridiculous of me to be struggling with this but I know now that it’s all a process and the Lord is taking me into deeper places with Him. And that’s exactly the prayer that I have been praying.

I am so thankful that God’s response always includes Him standing right next to us, arms wide open, waiting to embrace us and invite us into more of Him. When we don’t believe it, when we run from it, when we don’t understand it, and when we don’t see it, He is right next to us, loving us the whole way through.

I know this blog is kind of all over the place and there is no “this is what I learned” to cherry top this blog with. It’s because I’m still working through it.

I’m asking the Lord a lot of questions. I’m learning what it means to allow Him to protect my heart rather than pridefully protecting my own heart. Because when I do that, there is a wall built up between me and Him, as well as the people around me. It’s me saying that I don’t fully trust God to protect it, so I will do it myself.

I’m asking the Lord to teach me how to fully trust Him. Here’s the thing.

I know that I can trust Him. I know that He is good. I know that He loves me more than I can even begin to wrap my head around. I know that He is sovereign. I know that He is with me, holding me, caring for me, loving me. I know that He calls me beloved.

And at the end of the day, that is all that He asks of me. To sit with Him and be His beloved one.